Harry Potter and the Curse of the Ovis
by KafkaExMachina
Summary: Crack!fic. Starts at the end of TriWizard Cup. Voldemort is defeated by a large flock of darkmagic eating carnivorous sheep. Harry is driven slightly bonkers. Unabashed unqualified HHr pairing. Rated M for dirty words and dirtier deeds. -DEAD-
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company are wholly owned by J.K. Rowling et. al. I am making no profit from their work.

A\N: This is a crack fic. Seriously, do not take it seriously. It starts at the end of the Tri-Wizard cup. Rated M for lots of very bad words and naughty statements. Characters are willfully OOC and most likely intoxicated. This is just light-hearted schlock while I work on my other stories.

* * *

Harry reappeared in a flash of blue light. The crowds gasped in shock to see the returning Tri-wizard champion. He was gasping in shallow breathes, his face as pale as lamb's wool. In his hands he held a bloodied trophy. His green eyes stared blankly into the distance.

Albus Dumbledore rushed to Harry's side. "Harry, Harry! What happened."

"Sh-Sh-Sh… Voldemort… Sheep… Wormtail… horror…" Harry stammered.

Fudge followed after Dumbledore hoping to prevent a panic. "What's that boy? I don't understand." He looked to Dumbledore. "Do you know what's wrong with the lad?"

Albus shook his head. "Harry, you've got to calm down. You're safe now. Everything will be alright. What happened?"

Harry took a few calming breathes. "I don't know. First thing I knew Cedric and I were tied to tombstones. In the graveyard there was Pettigrew and this disgusting snake-baby-thing. Then Pettigrew killed Cedric with the Killing Curse. The snake-baby told me it was Voldemort, and they did this strange ritual." Harry held up his arm to show the fresh cut on his arm. "Pettigrew used my blood and cut off his hand into a cauldron. Voldemort came out!"

"Preposterous!" Fudge yelled. Albus held up a hand to silence him.

"Wait, Cornelius, there's more to this tale."

Harry nodded. "After Voldemort put on a robe, he pressed a wand into Pettigrew's Dark Mark. A dozen cloaked figures appeared. Lucius Malfoy was there, and some other people I didn't recognize. He started to taunt me when IT happened." Harry's voice trailed off and he got a horrified expression on his face. He started to shudder.

Albus laid a grandfatherly hand on Harry's shoulder while Fudge sputtered. "Go on, Harry, tell us the rest."

"I… I can't, sir. You won't believe me."

Albus's eyes twinkled. "I will, Harry, no matter what you tell me. I dare say you are too shocked to lie very well."

Harry swallowed. "There was this horrible low noise. It sounded like some sort of crazed animal, well animals. Then…"

"Go on," Dumbledore prompted.

"Sheep sir, dozens of them. They had blood-matted wool and terrible burning red eyes. They decended on Voldemort and the adults around him in a wave of blood and hooves. I'll never forget the sound of screams and baas mingling in the night. On of them sniffed me, sir, and I nearly pissed myself. It looked at me with these eyes… almost human eyes… and licked my scar. It burned like nothing I've ever felt before. Then it seemed to nod and left to eat one of the corpses. I think about five minutes passed before they left. There's only bones and blood in that graveyard now. I think they ate Cedric's corpse, sir, because I couldn't find it. After a few more minutes I was able to work my way free of the bonds and grab the cup. It must have been a portkey. It took me back."

Albus frowned with deep concern while Cornelius exploded at Harry. "How in the world do you expect me to believe such an utter load of poppycock! Boy, did you kill Cedric by yourself or have you gone mad! There isn't one single shred of evidence to support your outlandish…"

Harry interrupted the Minister by tipping the Tri-Wizard Cup at Fudge's feet. Out rolled the snake-like head of Voldemort, its face frozen in an expression of shocked horror. Only a bloody stump remained of the neck.

Fudge screamed like a girl. "GYAH! What… how… well I mean…" He gathered himself back together. "Um… don't say a damn word about the sheep, boy, and we'll both feel better." He tapped his wand to his throat. "Sonorous." With his amplified voice he addressed the crowd.

"Good witches and wizards, I bear news both triumphant and sorrowful! Cedric Diggory has died at the hands of dark men who resurrected You-Know-Who!" The crowd gasped in horror. "Do not fear, the Boy-Who-Lived has triumphed over evil once more! Harry Potter avenged his friend, slaying a dozen Death Eaters and bringing back the head of Lord Thingy! Cedric's died a hero's death valiantly fending off the attacks of You-Know-Who's minions allowing Harry to strike the blows of justice! Let us all remember this day as a time when two great men triumphed over the darkest of challenges! Let us remember Cedric Diggory's sacrifice as we remember Harry Potter's victory! Once again we stand united in our appreciation for those who gave so much for so little! I hereby declare Cedric Diggory the True Hogwarts Tri-Wizard Champion! I hereby declare that all wizards and witches shall henceforth remember this day as Cedric Diggory Day, so that the sacrifices of the Light holding back the tides of Darkness will never be forgotten!" Fudge tapped his throat canceling the spell as he basked in the wild cheers of the crowd. He glanced from side to side mildly amused by the astonished looks on both Dumbledore and Potter's faces.

"Albus, Albus, I am not the Minister of Magic by luck alone! It's obvious to anybody who knows the lad that Harry here hates attention and possesses an incredibly overdeveloped sense of humility. I don't want one damned word said about the sheep. The world doesn't need a mad savior." Fudge looked at Harry meaningfully. "Don't you think its better that Cedric's family has the small comfort that their son died a hero? If Amos is any indication Cedric was a hell of a kid. Let his family and the people think of him as a warrior instead of a victim."

Cornelius smiled at Harry's quick nod of agreement. "Do we have a deal, then? My story is the one we stick by?" Fudge offered his hand to Harry, who took it. They shook, sealing the gentleman's agreement. Cornelius turned to Dumbledore with a raised eyebrow. "I assume the boy's agreement is enough to satisfy you, or are you going to insist on repeating the less pleasant story."

Albus nodded solemnly. "It appears, Cornelius, I have gravely misjudged you. Today you showed me that you deserve your position as Minister. I hope you will not be too terribly inconvenienced by the lack of Lucius Malfoy's council?"

Fudge made a sour face. "His contributions, perhaps, but I feel rather ill that I've taken the council of a willing follower of Lord Thingy. If word gets out… well, shall we let bygones be bygones?"

Albus and Harry nodded. "Hey, wait! Minister, how about you include the bit about Peter Pettigrew being alive and declare Sirius Black a free man? I'll conveniently forget you ever associated with Malfoy."

Fudge smiled down at the boy. "Deal! Sweet Merlin, Mr. Potter, we'll make a politician out of you yet!" He cackled with glee while Albus and Harry made identically sickened faces.

"Merlin I hope not…" the pair muttered under their breath.

O.o

Harry walked with Albus up to his office. Albus opened the heavy wooden door revealing a smiling potions professor. Harry's shock prevented him from commenting.

"Albus, look!" Snape exclaimed as he rolled up his left sleeve. He thrust his pasty white forearm under the headmaster's nose. "I don't know how the boy did it, but the Dark Lord is gone for good!" Severus then appeared to notice Dumbledore's companion. He walked over and ruffled Harry's hair affectionately. "I take back everything I ever said about you." Snape beamed down at Harry. He walked past the stunned duo, turned his head and shouted, "Oh, and headmaster? I quit! No more ignoramuses detonating potions! No more snot-nosed brats fucking up my beautiful art! Joy!"

Snape dashed away leaving his gleeful laughter behind.

"Headmaster… that never happened," Harry deadpanned.

Albus nodded. "I concur. Shall we continue our discussion inside?" Harry nodded. The pair walked into the office, Dumbledore taking his customary seat behind his desk and Harry dropping into the large overstuffed chair he'd grown so fond of. "So, Harry m'boy, before I send you back to your dormitory, is there anything you'd like to know?"

Harry nodded, the events of the day still leaving him too stunned to prevaricate. "Yeah… can I please not go back to my relatives this summer? I mean with Sirius's innocence and all. I'd rather not be overworked and starved for another holiday if that's alright with you."

Albus appeared thoughtful. "Well, I can't think of a single reason why you should go back. You see, I put you there originally because of a powerful protective spell your mother cast. Unfortunately it required a blood relative to recharge it. Even though Voldemort is defeated some of his followers still remain. Do you feel avoiding your relatives is worth risking your safety?"

"Um, sir, please forgive my language but FUCK YES I DO! FUCK 'EM! THEY LOCKED ME IN A MOTHER FUCKING CUBBOARD FOR FUCKS SAKE! I'D RATHER FUCKING LIVE WITH THE MALFOYS YOU CRAZY ASS BASTARD!"

"I see." Albus nodded, ignoring the scandalized gasps coming from the portraits behind him. "Well, no need to tell me again. I'll make sure Sirius has cleaned up his house for you. Lemon drop?"

Harry took the proffered candy and sucked on it contentedly. The headmaster mirrored his actions. Nirvana found a temporary home in Dumbledore's office.

o.O

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room late that night feeling exceptionally hopeful for the future. He didn't know what to expect but what he saw drove iron spikes of horror down his spine. Hermione stayed up knitting little hats while she waited for her friend to arrive.

Knitted little **wool** hats using colorful **wool** yarn.

Click. click. click. Harry shuddered as he watched the strands of devil's-hair knot themselves together into a fiendish mockery of outerwear. Hermione looked up to see her friend standing at the portal, face whiter than a Swedish nun's buttocks.

"Harry, what's wrong. I stayed up waiting for you"

Harry's eyes followed her knitting needles. Click. Click. Click. Hermione unconsciously kept up her task while she talked to her friend.

"Harry?"

"Stop. Stop that now."

Hermione stared at him, confused and concerned. "Stop what?"

"The knitting. With wool. Stop. You have to stop. It's an abomination!"

"Harry! What do you mean an abomination! I thought you supported S.P.E.W.? You know I'm making these for the house elves!"

"I don't care. Stop! Find another way, that doesn't use…"

"What do you mean you don't care? I thought you agreed with me! Are you saying you were lying to me?" Hermione shouted, eyes brimming with tears.

Harry closed the distance between them to a short space. "Of course I care about house elf freedom. This… abomination isn't the way!"

"So you're saying I can't knit? Is that it Harry James Potter?" Hermione shrieked.

"Damnit, I'm not saying that! I'm saying stop using wool yarn and…"

"So you're saying I shouldn't make clothes for the house elves, is that it? You're saying that I'm wrong, aren't you?"

"Bloody hell Hermione, the fact that you are dead wrong has nothing to do with it. The bloody elves stopped cleaning the hall because of all those hats. Dobby love's 'em, he's got a huge collection! It doesn't matter! That's not what I'm talking about! I'm telling you to…"

"How dare you tell me I'm wrong? How dare you not tell me I was wrong earlier?" Hermione screamed.

Harry moved his face close to Hermione's. She could feel his breath on her lips. His eyes were cold hard emeralds boring into hers. His voice was soft and deadly. Power rolled off of Harry framing each word with lethal finality. "Hermione. Stop. Using. Wool." He stared at her, his eyes conveying both deadly intent and untold affection. When Hermione weakly nodded her agreement, Harry turned and walked to the boy's dormitory. "Thank you, Hermione," he said pausing in the doorway of the dormitory, "I knew I could rely on you. You've never let me down."

Hermione stared at him while he left. She felt the blush on her cheeks flow down her neck to her breasts. She could feel her nipples still hard underneath her shirt, and familiar warmth pooled between her legs.

Stunned, Hermione slunk to her dormitory on wobbly legs intending to scratch her new-found itch quickly. The tiniest of smiles crossed her lips. She'd found her resolution to her silly dilemma, and she looked forward to plotting out her future.

Safely ensconced behind silenced and spell-closed curtains, Hermione stroked her cat while planning her next steps.

Crookshanks paced at the foot of the bed, wondering when his mistress would let him join her.

O.o

Back in the Gryffindor common room Lavender and Parvati perfected their imitation of a carp out of water. Neither Harry nor Hermione noticed the pair sitting in the corner watching the entire exchange.

"Hey, Parv… did you just see what I saw?"

"Yeah, Lav, I did. Did you see the look on Hermione's face?"

"Her face Hell, did you see how she was walking after that?"

"Uh huh! I never would have pegged rules-loving bookish Hermione as one of those!"

"Parv, honey, that's precisely why I knew Hermione was one of those! I never would have pegged Harry as having grown enough of a pair to stop acting like my older sister around her."

Parvati turned thoughtfully to Lavender. "I never thought of Harry that way. You're right, he always was rather… feminine around her. No wonder I pegged her as having the hots for Ron."

Lavender giggled. "I doubt that's the case anymore. I wish I had a camera to cherish that moment forever." Parvati joined her giggling. "So, honey, do we help the girl out or enjoy the show?"

Parvati shared a wicked grin with her friend. "Oh, both Lavender, definitely both!"

Asleep in his bed, Harry felt ice cold terror completely unrelated to his horrible nightmare about flesh-rending farm animals.

O.o

Ron looked up at his friends. Like usual, his happily stuffed his face with food. Like usual Hermione sat next to Harry. It struck Ron as odd that unlike usual, Hermione sat rather closely to Harry. While he was used to Hermione sneaking concerned glances Harry's way, he wasn't quite able to place the look she currently gave Harry. It definitely did not appear like concern. Rather, it looked almost hungry.

"Harry," Hermione said with a ghost of a smile. "I think I'm going to try something different for breakfast."

Harry shrugged. "Okay, I guess it's good to change habits. What are you thinking of?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the house elves could whip me up some lamb chops."

Ron found himself befuddled by the conversation. Why on earth would Hermione decide to eat lamb chops for breakfast, and he thought she hated the idea of house-elves making special meals. Didn't she go ballistic during the Yule ball over that?

Ron certainly did not expect Harry's response.

"No," Harry said in frigid tones.

Ron boggled at his friends. Harry going ballistic over food? Was that a mischievous glint in her eyes?!?

"Now Harry, I rather fancy the idea of some lamb chops. I think I'm going to ask for them right now." Hermione's voice grew a bit louder. In a detached state, Ron recognized the signs of Hermione working herself into a tizzy. Harry's response floored him.

"I said no. End of story. Lamb," Harry shuddered, "chops are out of the question."

"Are you telling me what I can and cannot eat?" Hermione replied sharply.

Harry nodded. "In this case yes. No lamb. No mutton. It's bad."

"You can't tell me what I can or can not eat, Harry James Potter!" Hermione shouted.

Harry stood up. Hermione stood up to meet his gaze. "If you weren't being a silly girl about this and eating that abomination over a whim, I wouldn't have too!"

"Who are you calling a silly girl?" Hermione shot back. "I'll eat whatever I please!"

Harry reached up and gently grabbed her chin. He stared hard into her eyes with cold rage. "You. Will. Not. Eat. Lamb." He let go and stormed out of the Great Hall.

Hermione plopped back into her seat, shivering.

"Err, Hermione, you alright?" Ron asked, confused and concerned. Had his two best friends gone completely starkers?

"Mmm-hmm," replied Hermione when she finished panting. He boggled at the tiny grin on her features. Hearing giggling to his right, his eyes flicked over Lavender and Parvati whispering in each other's ears while pointing in their direction. Yups, starkers. The whole bloody world had gone starkers.

O.o

For the first time, Ron wished he was someplace safe and quiet. Ever since they left entered the compartment, Harry and Hermione were screaming at each other. To make matters worse, it was over Hermione moving to bloody New Zealand and buy a farm or some bloody nonsense. When the bloody hell did Hermione ever get the notion to raise sheep? Ron thought he was going deaf, knew he had a headache, and couldn't figure out the strange light musky smell that filled the air. His sister didn't make matters any clearer when she rushed out of the compartment.

"I've got to go to the Lavend… I mean lavatory. I'll be right back. Maybe."

Stakers. Utterly and completely starkers.

o.O

Sirius grabbed his godson into a great big hug. "Harry! It's so good to see you! Now I get you for the whole summer! I'm a free man now, so we can do whatever the hell we feel like. I've got near fifteen years of spoiling to catch up on!" Sirius beamed down at his godson.

Harry grinned up at Sirius. "Thanks. I don't want to be a bother, though. Just being here instead of at the Dursleys is enough…"

Sirius whistled. "Wow, pup, ol' Dumbledore wasn't kidding about you being fucked up. I guess you'll just have to get a solid regimen of Black Counseling."

Harry blanched. "You aren't going to ask me to talk about my problems, are you?"

"Fuck no!" Sirius shouted. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly. Harry emphatically shook his head no. "Alright then. All you have to do is ask, I'll listen whenever you need. Until then, let me introduce you to the two best kinds of medicine for a shattered mind the world has ever seen." Sirius walked over to a cabinet and withdrew a bottle and a magazine. He handed the items to Harry.

"Ogden's and Playwitch?" Harry raised his eyebrow.

"Booze and birds, Harry, booze and birds. Booze and birds are the only things a bloke needs to stay sane in an insane world. Using neither makes a man a devil. One without the other drives him starkers faster than Snape in a shower factory."

"Erm… well I guess I can see that, but I'm rubbish with birds."

"Oh? Well, we've all got to start somewhere. Know any birds that might fancy you? I've heard a few rumors, pup."

"Rumors? Look, Sirius, the only bird I know who fancies me is a little young to consider."

"Oh, well… follow me and let's take a look into those rumors of mine, shall we?"

Harry followed his godfather up the stairs of the Black Mansion. The climbed four stories until they reached a door leading to the attic. Sirius made a great show about producing a key from his shirt, waving his hand while mumbling gibberish, dancing like a flea-infested monkey for four seconds then rapping the key against the door precisely seventeen times.

"Um, Sirius," Harry said while Sirius started to open the door, "was all that really necessary?"

"Yes. Harry, the artifact that lies beyond this door has been the treasured possession of every Black since the founding of our family. For all the dark and evil things it owns, this wonder provides enough light to banish their shadows." Sirius threw open the door, revealing a body-length mirror surrounded by ornate carvings. "Behold, the Mirror of Noitaripsa Sniorg!"

Harry's eyes took in the words carved around the frame. "Noig deralced eht fo snoitaripsa tsetaerg eht laever I"

"Do I want to know?" Harry asked remembering the Mirror of Erised.

"Yes. Yes you do. Sure you see my handsome form in the mirror before you, but as soon as I say your name… well, you better not see my handsome form, that would be creepy. Understandable, but creepy."

"Huh?" Harry asked blankly.

Sirius sighed. "I see you need some examples. Alright, stand here." Sirius pointed to the spot next to him. Harry stepped into the attic and stood next to his godfather. "Good. Now, let's warm this thing up. Say the name of a bloke you know with a fancy you know about."

"Oh, okay, that's easy. Dean's got a real hard one for Ron's little sister. Dean Thomas." Harry's eyes widened as his best mate Ron appeared in the mirror.

Sirius blinked. "Well, I suppose you figured on the wrong Weasley. Try another."

"Alright. Seamus Finnegan." Ron didn't disappear from the mirror. Instead, he started to perform a slow strip-tease. "Augh! Sirius, I think it's broken!"

"No, no pup, it's just a coincidence. Quick, think of another!"

"Draco Malfoy!" Ron remained in the mirror, but his shirt didn't. Harry began to turn an unhealthy green. "Oh Merlin I did NOT need to know that! Um, Um, Vicktor Krum!"

Ron began dancing sensually unhindered by pants.

"GAH! I thought Hermione was my bloody hostage, soddering git piked her! Ron Weasley!" Harry screamed, desperate.

Ron vanished, replaced with the glowering figure of Viktor Krum. Harry blinked. "Sirius, I think I'm going to send Viktor a letter from a fellow champion and make Ron a very happy best mate."

Sirius grinned. "That's the spirit, pup! I'll make a proper Marauder out of you yet. Well, now that you've managed to give yourself some properly character building emotional scars, any birds catch your eyes?"

Harry shook his head. "Sirius, right now I'd like to know there's a bloke in this world who doesn't want to gobble sausage. So how exactly does the mirror decide which sod to display?"

"Good question," Sirius replied. "easy answer too. The mirror brings up the last bird or bloke that the given person rubbed one off to." Harry blushed deeply at the masturbatory reference. "Oh, there's a requirement that the person has to also have at least a realistic fancy, or the mirror'd be utterly useless when dealing with the average guy, if you know what I mean."

"Erm…no. I don't." Harry replied.

"Rub one off? Harry, I was a teenager once. I know how it is. Near chaffed my willy every day."

"Glerg! Sirius, bad mental image. I don't do that."

Sirius scoffed. "Bullshit, pup. You asked for it. Harry Potter."

The mirror lost the image of Viktor and filled with a wispy fog. Sirius boggled. "Merlin's Syphilitic Scrotum pup, you've never rubbed on off? Ever?"

"Nope."

"Harry, that's not healthy. I've got to get you laid. Fast."

"Um, Sirius? No hookers… really, I'm fine."

"Do you want to turn into a Dark Lord, pup?" Sirius asked. "Do you?"

Harry shook his head no.

"Well I have heard from a very reliable source that the former evil-bad-thingy that you whacked never dipped his dick in it. A wet wanker keeps dark thoughts at bay!"

"Erm, I don't think it works that way…"

"I'm your godfather, you will listen to me. I've got your best interests at heart here. Hell, I've got the whole world's best interests at heart! No Lord Pottermort!"

"No hookers."

"Alright, no hookers… spoilsport. So, how about you test that mirror on some birds you know?"

"Sure. Um… Ginny Weasley." Lavender and Parvati both appeared in the mirror clinging to each other in a sensual embrace. Sirius and Harry stared as the pair begin tender nibblings and caresses.

"Harry… do you have any friends who want the normal set of tubing?"

Harry shrugged helplessly. "I'm going to go grab some of that firewhiskey." He staggered down the stairs. Sirius called "I'll be right with you" after him.

Shaking off the image of pure Azkaban-bait beauty before him, Sirius grinned slightly as he remembered the one name Harry didn't call. "Huh, wonder why pup didn't ask about her. Too many shocks to the system, or is it something else. He may look like James, but he's all bloody Remus inside…" Sirius grinned. "Hermione Granger."

His smiled like a kleptomaniac ferret in an unmanned glitter factory. The mirror showed Harry's naked body staring out with cold green eyes and positively glowing with unbound power.

"I'll get pup set right in no time at all. Just got to make a quick apparition while he's sotted."

o.O

Sirius appeared in the Granger's kitchen with a sharp crack. He glanced at the figures eating at the table. Mrs. Granger was a dowdy middle-aged woman with her daughter's bushy hair and a gargantuan rack. Mr. Granger looked strict yet beefy, resembling a strange blinding of a librarian and a pit-boss. Hermione sat demurely in her chair wearing a conservatively loose blouse. The trio stared shocked at their sudden visitor.

"Sirius!" Hermione cried out. "Is there something wrong with Harry?"

Perfect! "Yes, I'm afraid he needs his friends pretty badly right now, what with Cedric and all."

Hermione smothered her triumphant grin. "I… " She looked at her parents, gauging how much their shock translated into permissiveness. "I mean, Viktor invited me and my parents to Bulgaria. I'd hate to disappoint him…"

Sirius barked out a few quick laughs. "No need to worry about Mr. Krum. I'm quite certain he'd be happier if a certain Weasley visited in your stead."

Hermione couldn't help the stab of jealousy. "Ginny?" She tried to ask in a sweet voice.

Sirius chucked. "Wrong Weasley."

Hermione gasped. "Well, I never would have…"

"Um, Hermione, don't take this the wrong way, but there's a certain kind of bird a poofter looks for when he's trying to hide his craving for tube-steak…"

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "What exactly do you mean by that, Sirius?" She asked dangerously.

"Oh, just that he's going to go after a girl he knows is safe, that's all."

Hermione missed her mother and father's bemused glances. "And what makes me safe?"

"Well, you see, if a bloke's hiding in the broom closet, he's going to want a girl who won't mistakenly open the door. He's going to pick a nice conservative lass who doesn't snog on the first date. Doesn't want to blow his cover and all."

Hermione seemed mollified, and her parent's beamed with pride. "I for one think it's wonderful that Mr. Krum understood what kind of lady we've raised, dearest." Hermione's mother said. Her father nodded. "Quite right, honey. It's a terrible shame about Viktor dearest, but at least he knew you weren't some wanton strumpet!"

Sirius nodded. "Exactly, he's looking for somebody," Sirius carefully observed Hermione as he said the next words, "who is willfully **ignorant** and completely **uneducated** about human sexuality." Jackpot! He recognized the challenge in her eyes. "He certainly wants a**timid** female who is entirely too **conservative** to ever aggressively **go** **for** **what** **she** **wants**." Inside Sirius danced in wicked glee at the fire behind Hermione's eyes but he made sure his face stayed stern and disciplinarian for her parents. "Aside from that, will you please help you best friend? Harry **needs** **you**, more than any other person."

"Let me pack my things."

"Honey, shouldn't we talk about this first?" Mrs. Granger asked.

"Mum, haven't you read any of the letters I've sent home. Harry needs me."

Mr. Granger sighed in defeat. "It's no use, dearest. When she makes up her mind it's made up and God and an act of Parliament won't change it."

"I wonder where she got that," Mrs. Granger sighed in defeat. Sirius and Mr. Granger shared a brief man-moment as they both unconsciously glanced her way. Sirius glanced at Mrs. Granger, then Hermione. Mr. Granger nodded. Mr. Granger raised an eyebrow. Sirius nodded. The both shrugged helplessly.

Bonding complete, Sirius set about introducing himself to the Grangers. After successfully fooling the pair into believing he was a responsible and reliable adult, they chatted aimlessly about the difficulties of rearing stubborn children whether muggle or magical. Sirius figured an hour passed when Hermione walked into the kitchen bearing her trunk and cat-carrier. "Can you bring all this in one go?" Hermione asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I'll grab you, then come back for your cat and trunk." Hermione nodded. Sirius took her hand and apparated them both back to the Black Manor. Hermione looked nauseous. "Sorry, apparition takes a bit to get used too. You'll have the chance, Ministry can't detect under aged magic use here. I figure you'll appreciate a bit of extra study time. Harry's in the other room… "

"What's wrong with Harry?"

"Erm, well… I think the Dursley's right buggered him up. I mean **right** buggered up."

Hermione stared at Sirius with wide concerned eyes. "How?" she asked quietly as if she was afraid of the answer.

"Look, um… we were doing some artifact hunting, cleaning house as it were… and we came across this thing, you know, that did stuff… and um it didn't work like it should on Harry because he'd not done… normal teenage things… "

Hermione gasped. "He's alright, isn't he? He wasn't hurt?"

"Oh, no, not hurt. Um… hopefully he took a couple swigs offa the medicine bottle… it might not look appropriate but it's the only treatment… if he hasn't, he'd better drink at least three shots of Odgen's in an hour… you know how he is about taking care of himself…"

Hermione nodded. "He'll take his medicine. I'll make sure of that."

"Right, good. Look, I'm not exactly McGonagall… if you want some, go ahead. I'm sure you're mature enough to handle it. Anyhow… that's not the worst part."

"What's the worst part?"

"Look, this isn't the kind of thing a bloke likes to tell a girl, okay? I mean, blokes don't talk about it to other blokes either. Well, maybe some blokes, but not this bloke. Harry… err… never played pocket rugby."

"Um… but he plays Quidditch. Isn't that enough sports to be healthy? Admittedly, healthy and Harry playing Quidditch is a bit of an oxymoron but…"

"No! That's not what I meant. Uh… he doesn't polish his broom."

"He most certainly does! I bought him a broom polishing kit for Christmas, and I know for a fact it has been rather well used!" Hermione huffed.

"Argh! He doesn't polish his wand! Stroke his pole! Yank his crack! Raise the Jolly Roger! Play pocket billiards! Shake hands with Percy!"

Hermione's mouth formed into a small o. "Never?"

"Never. Magic dark artifact and all that… it's a fact. Incontrovertible."

Hermione blinked. "Well, that's no good at all."

"Right."

"Go get my things. I'll see to Harry's well-being." Hermione commanded. Her eyes were fixed solidly on the door leading to Harry's location.

"Right. I'll drop of your trunk and kip out for a while. Um… getting more medicine." He replied, grinning.

"Good." Hermione answered absently.

"Hermione?" Sirius asked.

"Yes?" Hermione responded

"Don't wipe it off on my pillow." He vanished with a crack.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company are wholly owned by J.K. Rowling et. al. I am making no profit from their work.

A\N: This is my stress relief from _Will They Be Happy?_. The crack continues.

* * *

Sirius managed to mumble the password after the third time, and actually grabbed the doorknob after the fourth. He staggered drunkenly into the main entrance only to find himself face to face with a rather dour looking Remus glaring straight at him.

"Sirius, perhaps you can explain what I found in the living room when I flooed in tonight?" Remus said sternly.

Sirius pondered the weighty question. "Erm, wuzzat? Whadja find Moony ol' buddy?" He slurred.

Remus groaned. "Does an empty bottle of firewhisky and the unconscious bodies of your godson and Ms. Granger give you a hint?"

Sirius perked up. "Oh?"

The tired werewolf sighed. "I found them draped over each other on the couch but thankfully they were fully dressed. I don't think there was any funny business going on."

Sirius peered at him blurrily. "No funny buzziness?"

Remus grinned. "Well, Hermione was drooling quite cutely all over Harry's shirt."

"Didja at leasht get a picky?" Sirius slurred.

Remus looked gravely offended. "What kind of depraved bastard do you think I am?"

Sirius grinned in relief. "Oh, goody. Lemme shee'em when they come out."

Remus nodded. "Of course."

Sirius smiled drunkenly and wobbled a bit, until he finally grasped what Remus meant by no funny business. "Fer fucks shake!" Sirius cried out in frustration as he yanked on his hair. "Do I have ta draw her a fucking picshure?!?"

"Sirius!" Remus shouted. "Are you trying to tell me that you intended for them to…"

"Of course I did! Have you sheen ma' pup? He'sh needin' some therapy!"

Remus slapped his hand against his forehead and drug it down his face in frustration. "Don't tell me you are still going on about your stupid little booze and birds theory!"

"N'kay I won'" Sirius slurred back.

"Sirius, this isn't some stupid joke! The boy needs a good parent and some love in his life!"

"Exactly! I'ma tryin ta get him shome luvin in 'is life!"

"Damn it that is not what he needs!"

"Sho yer shayin 'ahm wrong 'bout it?"

"Yes I am!"

Sirius narrowed his eyes drunkenly at Remus, trying to observe him. "Well, ah kin shee that yer looking a bit lesh shitty yershelf. Mebbe yer takin mah advish with ma lil' cuz?"

Remus looked both stern and affronted. "I assure you Sirius that I most certainly –"

His rant was cut off by the impatient feminine voice shouting down the stairs, "Wolfie, will you both shut the fuck up and get back up here and finish the job?"

Remus tried to retain what dignity he could as he ran up the stairs chased by Sirius' taunts and laughter.

"I toldja sho yeh hippie-crittical bashtard!" Sirius shouted in a slur as he heard a door slam shut. "I shure 'ope 'e put 'em both in the shame bed, cuz I sure as 'ell can't do it mehshelf." Deciding that the carpet looked exceptionally comfie and inviting, Sirius limply plopped supine and passed out on the floor.

o.O

Hermione woke up to the pleasant sensation of hippopotami tap-dancing on her skull while her stomach worked busily at tying itself in knots. She groaned, and then immediately regretted her decision as the dancing hippos invited a herd of elephants to join in. She chanced opening her eyes and was immediately thankful for the traditional Black family aversion to sunlight and bright paint. 'Bloody good reason to turn dark,' she mused, 'makes hang-overs easier to deal with.' She looked about to notice that she was wearing fuzzy purple night-clothes and lying in a large bed. There didn't appear to be indications of company and she figured she wasn't any sorer between her legs than she was anywhere else.

The smell of coffee and bacon gently wafting into the room convinced her that movement might not be such a terrible idea after all. Slowly and painfully she crawled her way to the edge of the bed but fell solidly on the floor when she tried to climb out. Grumbling miserably she shakily stood up using the edge of the mattress as a buttress. Focusing intently on the cornucopia of caffine calling from the kitchen she carefully shuffled her way to the stairs. Looking down the steps with a great amount of trepidation, she focused all of her impressive will towards remaining upright as she descended step by careful step. Her headache pounded with each motion, but the smell of fresh coffee and the sound of sizzling bacon urged her forth. It wasn't until she reached the foot of the stairs that she recognized the great black furry lump wuffing contentedly in its sleep.

Her eyes narrowed and a dangerous smile etched itself on her lips. "This… is all your fault, mutt!" She hissed. "I'll pay you back in pain when I find my wand." She reared back and kicked her best friend's godfather solidly in his furry arse. The dog bolted awake and whimpered pathetically from the motion. "If I suffer you suffer." Hermione hissed at him. "Somebody is alive enough to make breakfast, but if you even think about touching my bacon I'll have you neutered so fast you'll forget you even knew the word bitch." Sirius whimpered and whined. "Are we understood?" Hermione continued with icey venom. The dog nodded quickly, then rolled over and whimpered in pain. "Stop being such a pussy, mutt," Hermione snapped walking over his twitching body. Sirius slunk after her with his tail tucked tightly between his legs.

'Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit,' Sirius thought in a blind and pained panic. 'I thought a ragging Lily could make You-know-who piss his oh so dark and evil drawers. Fuck me but Harry's one dead bloke if pisses that bird off! Fuck me but I'm one dead dog if I touch her bacon. Oh fuck oh fuck I've got to tell Remus to burn those pictures or we're all gonna die!'

Hermione instantly lost the glare as she saw a warm and greaseless breakfast spread out over the table and kitchen counter. Harry turned and beamed happily at their entrance. "Oh, morning Hermione, Sirius! There's coffee on the table, your mug's white Hermione, made just the way you like. The bottle next to your mugs is a hangover potion I found in Sirius' emergency kit in the bath. The instructions said gulp it down then drink the coffee." He puttered about the kitchen as handy and happily as Molly on prozac.

Hermione slugged back the potion, wincing at the taste of boiled slugs and olliphant sweat. Despite the taste and the brief foreboding of cataclysmic doom, her headache and bleariness immediately dissipated. She was disappointed when Sirius shifted back into his human form and seemed similarly aided. Deciding her vengeance was best served after she felt fully human Hermione slurped noisily at her coffee. Her eyes perked open at the surprising quality of the brew, as well as the fact that Harry actually knew exactly how she liked her coffee. Sirius appeared to be as impressed as she.

"Um, pup, not that I'm complaining, but what possessed you to do all this?"

Harry smiled. "Well, unlike you two I didn't wake up with a hangover." Hermione and Sirius both glared daggers at him. He glanced over their heads towards the kitchen doorway. "Oh, good morning professor, strange female with pink hair."

"Call me Remus, Harry, I'm not your professor anymore."

"Wotcher, Harry."

Hermione looked owlishly at the pair while sipping her coffee. Sirius broke out into a wide smile. "Morning you two. So, Nym-" Sirius found his words cut off by a slender hand pressing a wand into his nose.

"If you want to keep those perty lips I'd suggest you call me Tonks, cousin." Tonks said happily.

"Righto, lil' cousin. Oh, Remus, you know that thing we were talking about, you know, with the cute and the drool, the not baby pictures thing but the other thing?"

Remus raised an eyebrow at his fellow Marauder.

"Well, I had the sudden revelation that we just might have managed to include the Anti-christ in those pictures and in the interests of preventing the apocalypse it would be best if we just burned the pictures, film, and camera."

Remus raised both eyebrows. "Are you suggesting we've got a heavy aunt visiting the garden?"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm saying that I'd rather dance with the aunt than weed the garden."

Remus let out a long slow whistle. "Wow. Kitchen drawer really got left open."

Sirius nodded. "All the silverware is polished."

Remus winced.

Tonks growled. "Oi! You two can stop speaking in code here, or I'll beat the translation outta both of yah!"

Sirius and Remus turned to her and simultaneously said, "I have no idea what you are talking about." Hermione and Harry broke out into laughter at Tonks' frustrated growl.

"Sorry about not knowing how you like your coffee Tonks," Harry said, "how do you like your eggs?"

Tonks glanced at Hermione appreciatively. "Oi, Hermione, how'd you manage to domesticate a Potter so bloody fast? Word is I've grabbed the tamest of the bunch and I still haven't taught him to pick up his underwear." Hermione blushed faintly pink.

"I had nothing to do with that Tonks he came like that out of the packaging."

"Hey, I'm right here guys!" Harry yelled indignantly over the chuckles of the others.

Sirius glanced over at his godson. "Not that I'm complaining pup, but what made you do all this?"

Harry shrugged and turned around to tend the eggs. "Honestly? This is a bit less than I've done every morning since I could reach the stove." He missed the look that passed between the other in the room. Deciding the eggs were perfect, he deftly flipped them from the pan onto a platter. He set the pan down, grabbed the platter and turned to serve the eggs. "Really, with five of us here I'm still cooking less food than I did for the Dursleys' and I'm guessing that unlike that blimp Dudders," he hooked a thumb at his friend, "Hermione here isn't gonna eat all the food offa my plate. Hell, until Hogwarts I considered myself lucky if I got a half-eaten bit of toast." He put the serving tray down onto the table and grabbed a seat next to Hermione. "This is going to be the best summer of my life!" Harry beamed.

The other four people in the room stared at him in shock. Harry nervously looked at his shirt. "Um, did I spill something?"

Sirius coughed once. "Well, great, thank you very much for breakfast Harry. So, um, guys, I've got an eleven o' clock appointment for some painful vengeance and bloody murder. Are you all free for that?"

Hermione looked up thoughtfully tapping her lip. "Hmmm, I think I've got that time set up for the rapine exploitation of the Black Library but I'm fairly certain I can pencil something in." She looked over at Harry and raised an eyebrow. "Did you have any plans?"

Harry blinked at her cluelessly. "Um, no?"

"Oh good." She beamed at Sirius. "Seems my morning's free!" She turned back to Harry. "Now Harry, be sure to wear clothing that you don't mind covered in blood." She smiled happily at him. "So why don't you give us a good pep-talk and tell us all about your childhood."

Harry shook his head. "Guys, I don't ever have to go back there again. It doesn't matter anymore, there's no reason to do anything."

Sirius opened his mouth but Hermione beat him to the draw. "Harry, it's okay, I understand. My parents used to beat me with a belt every time I was bad."

Harry leapt out of his chair eyes flashing with rage. "I'm going to fucking kill them!"

Hermione sighed. "Sit down Harry, I lied to make a point."

"So they didn't beat you?" Harry asked dangerously, not sitting down yet.

"No, they didn't." Harry nodded and sat down, but didn't appear to completely accept it. Hermione shook her head at her friend's protectiveness. She gently reached over and placed her hand on top of his. "Harry, why are you the only one allowed to get angry when your friends are hurt?" Harry looked down and fidgeted a bit in his chair. "That's right Harry." She said in a soft and soothing voice. "We have just as much right to slowly flense your uncle while shoving burning needles into his testicles after covering your aunt with caustic lye and pissing on her face as you do." Hermione gently patted Harry's hand. "Are you going to complain about us eviscerating your aunt, burning her guts in front of her eyes, filling her empty torso with salt and dumping her in an empty dumpster in South London to slowly die in agony? Look me in the eyes and say it, Harry."

Harry looked shame-facedly in her eyes. "No, I guess it would be right hypocritical of me."

Hermione beamed happily. "Good. After breakfast is over we'll get changed and then I'll search the garden shed for some properly rusted tools."

Remus glanced over at Sirius. "Sirius, the silverware drawer isn't open, the mother fucking kitchen burnt down." Sirius nodded spasmodically at his friend.

Tonks twitched. "Guys, I don't need to be a cryptographer to figger out that code."

The group mutually decided that safer topics were necessary and finished breakfast while chatting about Tonks' job, Hogwarts, and sharing stories about James and Lily's adventures. Finally everybody finished their food. Harry automatically stood to clean up.

"Sit!" Barked Sirius. "You made the food, we'll take care of the mess." Remus, Tonks and Hermione nodded their agreement. Hermione scrambled out of her chair to fetch her wand but Remus held out his hand.

"I'll get it for you. Accio Hermione's Wand!" He waited until the slender length of vine floated its way into his hand. "Here you go," he said as he handed it to her.

"Oh, thank you!" Hermione beamed. Unwilling to allow the opportunity to show off her spellwork, Hermione waved her wand in a complex figure while muttering several incantations. In an instant the dishes were cleaned, organized, and teleported to their proper places.

"Brilliant as always!" Harry stated while sincerely admiring her handywork.

Sirius turned his head and leaned over to Remus' ear. "Is she always so eager to show off her brilliance?" Sirius whispered to his friend.

"Pretty much," Remus mumbled in agreement.

"She'd better get laid fast or she'll be a bloody nightmare."

Remus nodded, then startled. "Damn it Sirius," he grumbled, "let it go. She's bloody well fifteen."

Sirius shrugged and sat back up. "I was younger than that the first time a bird nicked my wand."

Remus let out a long-suffering sigh.

Harry excused himself for a quick shower. Hermione decided to wait in the kitchen with the adults, at least until they showed her how to unlock the library door. Sirius blinked as he realized that something loud and obnoxious hadn't made its presence known. "I just realized I haven't heard that crazy old bat screaming her worthless little head off. Remus, I'm pretty damn certain I made enough noise getting in the place to set her off. Did you finally figure out how the shut the bitch up for good?" Remus shook his head. Sirius look at Tonks who stared back quizzically and then Hermione who blinked at him in confusion.

"Crazy old bat?" She asked.

"Um, you'd know it if you heard it. It's a painting of my mother, may the bitch roast in the bowels of a constipated chimera."

Hermione made a quiet 'ah' of comprehension. "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you. Rothgar ate her!"

"That's great! Erm… who is Rothgar? Ate her?" Sirius asked.

Hermione laughed. "Well, after you left I went ahead and made sure Harry had properly medicated himself like you said. As a precaution, I also followed your instructions. Now Harry couldn't handle his medicine so he rushed off to the bathroom. Deciding to take a quick look around I found Rothgar nibbling on a set of curtains. It was the cutest thing I ever saw! Now I was pretty sure that you'd only let friends in so I wasn't worried about Rothgar or anything until he managed to swallow both of the curtains. I was horrified at what that ugly old biddy screamed but Rothgar just opened up his furry little mouth and bit her head straight off! Then he ate the rest of the painting and let out this cute belch. I was a little out of sorts and getting rather drunk so I asked him what his name was and why he was eating the painting. So the little guy told me his name was Rothgar the Unspeakably Cruel and he was eating the painting because it insulted his herd-brother and herd-sister. Then it winked at me and with a wiggle popped out of existence."

Sirius and Remus blinked. "… Rothgar the Unspeakably Cruel ate the bitch."

Hermione nodded. "I personally would have named him Rothgar the Squeezably Soft but I suppose that wouldn't be very intimidating."

"We'll… be right back." The Marauders said as they dashed out of the kitchen. True enough the frame of Mrs. Black's portrait still hung from the wall but curtains were missing and the portrait itself was in tatters. The pair turned to each other in shock.

"Do you think she made that up in case we were mad?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head. "I don't think that would be her kind of lie. Anyhow, if she heard the bitch why would she think we'd me mad that it was gone?"

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno, but it sounds more plausible than a cute little Rothgar. Erm, did she ever say what it was, other than cuddly?"

Remus tapped his temple. "Now that you mention it, I don't think she did. You don't think it could be a –"

"SHEEP!" Harry screamed in horror from the other room. Hermione, Tonks, Remus and Sirius scrambled to protect their charge. As the four entered the room they saw Harry cowering from a blood spattered sheep with burning red eyes and a fanged maw. Sirius immediately recognized the cabinet behind it. He looked at Remus.

"I don't know about you, but I really can't think of any way that a riddikulos could make this funnier." Sirius said biting back laughter.

Remus snorted along side. "You aren't getting any help from me!"

"Honestly!" Hermione huffed while looking at her terrified friend. "Can't you see Harry's really afraid?" She glared while Remus, Sirius and Tonks emphatically nodded their heads while stuffing fists in their mouths to silence their guffaws. "Fine, I see I'll have to be the responsible one here!" She stepped forward and grabbed Harry's shoulder pulling him behind her. The still chortling trio sobered instantly at the sight of Harry's bloody battered corpse lying on the floor in front of Hermione. She fell to her knees, unable to deal with the change from her expectations.

"Riddikulos!" Sirius cried out. Harry's corpse let out a horrendously loud and wet fart causing a billowing purple cloud filled with sparking pink dots to float from his arse. The corpse snickered and farted again, this emitting a lime green djinni. The image overcame the last barriers to the trio's laughter. Tonks, Remus and Sirius collapsed in echoing merriment. Even Harry found himself snickering. Hermione sighed. "Boys and their toilet humor." Harry noticed that the indignation didn't reach Hermione's eyes. Instead they stayed watery and frightened. He calmed himself and gave her a quick hug. "Thanks Hermione. I knew I could count on you. I'm safe, you saved me okay?" He gave her a little smile and relaxed when she managed to return it. "Good. Now we have to find a proper way to pay these prats back." Hermione's smile grew malicious eliciting a shudder out of Harry.

"Later Harry, later. Right now we should do something completely unrelated to everything that's been going on. I mean completely unrelated." She pointed down at Harry's feet. "Are those your only pair of muggle shoes?" She asked with a hint of disgust.

Harry glanced at his battered and taped-together trainers. "Um, yeah."

Hermione sighed. "Well we should get you some good shoes and some clothes that fit."

Tonks perked up, her chick-sense tingling. "Did somebody mention shopping?" She exclaimed to the combined groans of Remus and Sirius. "Oh hush Wolfie, you've needed some new outfits since before Harry here was an itch in his dad's crotch." Harry made a disgusted face while Remus shook his head at the inevitable. Tonks looked at Hermione. "Where are we gonna go to get Harry here into some fashionable clothes?"

Hermione blinked at the sudden demand. "Um… Tonks, I'm a bookworm. What the hell do I know about fashion? I just wanted him to get some sensible shoes and maybe a couple pairs of jeans that fit." Harry nodded in agreement, some sensible clothing that fit sounded pretty wonderful. "And Harry, have you ever gotten new glasses? I mean they look like the same pair I fixed back in our first year but…"

Harry shrugged. "Yeah, they are the same pair."

"Um, Harry, glasses don't grow like you and I do… they can't be the same pair."

"I dunno Hermione, considering the number of times they've broken and you've fixed them you probably made them the right size over the years."

Hermione smiled. "Oh… well I guess so. Still, I think you should get your eyes checked to see if you need new lenses." She looked at the adults. "Um, isn't there anything magical that you can do? I didn't notice many other students wearing glasses, not nearly the number as you find in muggle schools."

Tonks practically swooned with wicked delight. "Oh this is bloody fantastic. I get to take you, Harry, and Wolfie out for dress-up, go shoe-shopping, and get Harry out of those ugly plastic frames!"

Hermione waved her hands in disagreement. "Hey, I didn't say anything about me! There's no need to include me in your plans!"

Tonks smiled maliciously at Hermione. "Oh no girl, you admitted a lack of fashionable attire back there! That's an Unforgivable! To the stores we go!" Tonks cackled insanely.

Remus, Harry and Hermione slumped in defeat. Sirius looked at the three in mild confusion.

"I don't know why you are so upset about this. Looking fashionable is critically important!" Sirius chided. Tonks nodded in agreement.

"Harry," Remus said flatly, "your godfather's a poof." Sirius squawked in protest while Harry and Hermione nodded in solemn agreement.

O.o

Remus, Hermione and Harry trudged slowly into the Black Manor. Sirius and Tonks pranced behind them chatting happily about the latest fashions and the impact of muggle technology on wizard-wear. The exhausted trio extracted the shrunken packages from their pockets and dropped them on the floor. Without bothering to enlarge the goods, Remus, Hermione and Harry slunk into the living room and collapsed exhaustedly onto a chair and couch. Hermione leaned into Harry from her position next to him.

"Harry," Hermione said, "I'm sorry I got you into this."

"It's alright Hermione," Harry replied, "I think it was inevitable."

Remus grunted.

Tonks skipped into the room. "Wolfie, time for bed!" The werewolf grunted. "I'll wear my new outfit for you!" Remus leapt to his feet, grabbed Tonks by the waist, flung her over his shoulder and dashed out of the room.

Hermione blinked owlishly at Harry. "I think it's time…" she yawned impressively, "for us to go to bed." Harry mumbled his agreement and forced himself out of the couch. He offered her a hand and helped pull Hermione to her feat. The pair trudged blindly past a chuckling Sirius and slogged miserably up the stairs. At the top they waved each other goodnight and headed for their separate bedrooms.

Harry had barely finished brushing his teeth and collapsing into his bed when the door to his bedroom opened. He groped blindly for his new glasses (self-adjusting magical eye-ware in a set of snazzy frames) while the figure furtively closed the door behind them. He put on his glasses and froze as the intruder's form came into focus. He sat up in bed, pulse pounding at the sight before him. Hermione walked casually up to the bad, grinning wickedly.

"Like what you see?" She asked mischievously. "I got them just for you."

Harry couldn't believe Hermione's uncharacteristic boldness. She wore a simple set of soft blue pajamas printed with a multitude of fluffy white sheep. His eyes flashed coldly.

"Remove them. Never wear those again." He demanded.

Hermione pouted while enjoying the thrill of his angry eyes. "But they're so comfy," she whined playfully.

"Take. Them. Off. Now." He repeated forcefully.

Hermione cocked her head to the side bashfully. Her hair hid her small grin. "What are you going to do if I don't? Take them off of me."

Harry simply nodded. "Off. Now. Or else," he said with narrowed eyes, muscles tensing, growling like a tiger about to pounce.

"No."

Harry had enough. He leapt out of his bed at Hermione completely oblivious to anything except the need to remove those blasphemous images from his presence. Hermione squealed gleefully while he tore at her clothing, shredding it in his anger. He finally calmed down a bit when he realized that he'd reduced Hermione to her knickers.

Harry's eyes widened.

Hermione smiled smugly.

Her bra cups had pictures of little lambs on it and her panties bore a silk-screened ewe.

With a snarl Harry tore off the offending articles. Hermione moaned in pleasure at his forcefulness.

Harry's mind cleared after the deed was done. He came to his senses realizing that he was clad only in boxers and was holding the naked body of his best female friend. He was holding the very aroused body of his best female friend who kept making all sorts of interesting but very happy noises. He was holding the naked body of his best female friend who just smashed her lips into his while grinding her naked body against him.

Harry decided that now would be an excellent opportunity to test Sirius' theories.

o.O

Sirius put down his empty glass and decided that it was a proper time to turn in for the night. As he left the study and made his way towards the stairs he heard animalistic grunts and enthusiastic screaming singing to the beat of a headboard slamming rhythmically against a wall. He shook his head and groaned as he climbed the stairs. "Remus you fucking forgot to silence your room again, didn't you."

By the time he reached the top of the stairs Sirius remembered that he'd specifically given Remus and Tonks the two rooms with permanent silencing charms due to their faulty memories and overpowering snoring. He blinked. He grinned. He bounded over to Harry's room. It sounded like somebody released a rabid lion into the girls' dormitory while playing one of those muggle beat-box thingies. "Hot damn!" Sirius did a little jig and left for bed.

An hour later he stomped over to Harry's door, pointed his wand and cast silencio. He grumbled as it didn't work.

Two hours later he began to fear for his godson's health.

Four and a half hours later Sirius began to fear for his own. He stomped blearily at the door prepared to kick it open and dump cold water on the two of them. Fortunately he remembered the conversations he'd had with Hermione. Whimpering from his near death experience he cast the strongest silencers he could think of, returned to his room, and repeated the process. It drowned out the worst of the noise but Sirius swore he could hear the support beams of the Black Manor creaking in time.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Company are wholly owned by J.K. Rowling et. al. I am making no profit from their work.

A\N:

Hmmm… well, what the heck. Anyhow, here's the final chapter, pretty much a draft. The first part didn't work out so well… it's an attempt at a sight gag that fails when written down.

X.o

Sirius sat slumped at the kitchen table, nursing a bottle of firewhiskey. His suddenly uninhibited godson and perhaps future goddaughter-in-law had stopped shaking the foundations of the Black Manor sometime between 'entirely-too-late' and 'arse-crack-of-dawn.' So, with about two hours of troubled sleep, Sirius was not a happy camper. Well, alright, yes he was a happy camper but he was a tired and cranky happy camper.

Then he heard the pair start up again. This time it sounded like they were practicing demolitions in the bathroom. He grumbled a bit. From the sounds of it, Sirius probably didn't want to use that room ever again.

A whoosh of flames from the living room announced the arrival of a guest by floo. "Anybody up," Dumbledore's voice called out.

"In the kitchen," Sirius yelled back. Dumbledore strode into the room, wearing his customary 'San-Fran Special' robes and pointy wizard hat. Sirius grinned as Albus cast inquisitive glances towards the ceiling.

"Um… Sirius, what is that racket?" Dumbledore asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Probably Harry and Hermione working off some excess energy by redecorating the bathroom."

Dumbledore smile happily. "I'm glad to hear they've found something to occupy their minds. Idle hands and all that. So, do you think they'd mind if I interrupted for a bit? There some school related matters I'd like to attend to, while I'm here, as well as seeing to the poor boy's state of mind."

Sirius pondered his options. On one hand, Albus Dumbledore was a great wizard of the light, and probably saved the world when he'd defeated Gunderwald. On the other hand, the old coot let him rot in Azkaban for twelve years. Decisions, decisions.

Sirius grinned. "Sure, just go ahead and let yourself in, I doubt they'd hear you knocking over all that noise."

With a twinkle in his eyes and a wiggle in his arse, Dumbledore made his way out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Sirius took a swig of whiskey, and sniggered. A few moments later, the chaotic thrashings from the bathroom grew louder, and then suddenly quieted back down to the background level with a slam of the door. Sirius grinned at the utterly dumbfounded look of shock on Dumbledore's face, hatless, complete with beard blown back over his shoulders. Dumbles staggered into the room, his hands worrying the brim of his hat, held suspiciously over his crotch.

Sirius wordlessly summoned another glass, and filled it. He offered the drink to the Headmaster. Albus took a swig.

"Well… I suppose I shall have to come back later," the headmaster said in a stunned voice. Sirius reached over to shake Albus' hand goodbye. Albus shook his hand, and drained the rest of the firewhiskey.

Sirius nearly passed out from shock.

"Dumbly-dore is a great wizard indeed…" Dobby said in reverent tones, staring at the Headmaster's hat, still perched precariously in its previous position.

With a smile at the awed elf, Dumbledore left the room with a twinkle in his eye and a slightly strained walk.

Sirius found himself nodding in agreement with the house-elf. 'Who'da thunk it?' he mused. He drained his glass.

"Hey, wait a minute! Dobby, what the hell are you doing here?" Sirius asked the still stunned servant.

"A great disturbance in the Force Dobby is feeling, so come must Dobby do." Dobby said in a gravelly squeak. He coughed a few times to clear his throat.

Sirius blinked. "Uh… right."

At that moment the bleary and yet incredibly contented figures of his cousin and best friend staggered into the kitchen.

"Moony is wondering exactly what the hell is all the commotion in the bathroom."

"Padfoot thinks Moony should ask the Headmaster."

"Moony isn't sure what Padfoot is talking about, but is afraid to ask."

"Dobby is still maintaining Dumbley-dore is a great wizard."

"Moony is wondering when the HELL the elf showed up."

"Padfoot knows when, but doesn't understand why."

"Tonks is about to break both of you in half if you don't cut that shite out and make me some coffee."

"Padfoot is wondering if perhaps Nymphie-dearest is getting a visit from Aunt Mennie."

The sounds of violence and pain almost drown out the noises from upstairs.

"Moony is going to miss Mssr. Padfoot."

"Remus…" Tonks growled.

"Right dear, coffee it is."

o.o

Albus sat across from his old friend Alastor Moody, discussing the events of the summer before. "So Alastor," Dumbledore said, "that's pretty much it. So, do you think that the prophecy came true, or…" He trailed off.

Alastor shrugged. "Meh, most prophecies are pretty muddled. Now, there's one about the end of the world that's pretty damn clear, comparatively. We've been watching for the signs for years, but frankly they are so completely off the wall that we figure it'll never happen."

Dumbledore's eyebrow's rose. "Oh, how so?"

"Well," the grizzled Auror said, "The first part is that the most retarded Dark Lord ever will meet his fate at the hands of a convenient plot device."

Albus nodded. "Well, that certainly doesn't help clear things up."

Moody grunted and continued. "The next part is that the savior of the wizarding world and his girlfriend will turn into a pair of over-amorous aardvark animagi."

O.o

Sirius stared in shock as the two long-snouted mammals in his back yard kept banging away at each other.

"Oh for FUCKS SAKE! Don't you two ever STOP?!"

o.O

Albus nodded. "Well, I suppose that's a pretty long shot."

Moody nodded. "Yeah, but not nearly as long a shot as this one: That an ancient Celtic God will sign up to teach a cursed position in a venerable institution of learning."

There was a knock at the door. Dumbledore waved his hand, opening it. In strode a petite woman with huge tits and an impressive fourteen-point set of antlers on her head. "Ah, that would be our new DADA instructor."

"Hello," she said, "My name's Carrie Nunnos."

Alastor blinked. "Nice rack," he said with a leer.

Carrie snorted. "If I had a galleon for every time I'v heard that one... So, Headmaster, is everything set for the next year?" Albus nodded. "Alright, I'll be galavanting about the Forbidden Forest, leading my pack of bloodthirsty dogs on a wild hunt. See you in the fall." She turned and left.

Albus stroked his beard. "Yes, that second part is a long shot indeed. So, what's the third?"

Alastor laughed. "This one's utterly impossible. Basically, a wounded veteran missing many parts of his body must make sweet love to an obsessive underage redhead on his best friend's desk, and said best friend must be in the room, unconscious in his chair."

At that moment, Ginny burst into the office. She turned to Moody. "I've recently discovered my fetish for peg-legged old men!" She ripped open her shirt. "Take me now!"

Albus looked at Moody. Moody looked at Albus. Albus shook his head no. Moody stared at Ginny's breasts. Albus started to sweat. Moody licked his lips.

"_Stupefy_!" Albus slumped over in his chair, unconscious.

Moody shrugged. "Can't fight fate."

o.O

The world imploded.

The end.


	4. Chapter 4

Somewhere, amongst the innumerable parallel dimensions:

Somewhere, amongst the innumerable parallel dimensions:

Voldemort sneered down at Harry. "So, Potter, it's down to you and I. Only one of us will live to see the end of this confrontation, and I assure you it will be I."

A sudden flash of cascading lights interrupted Harry's reply.

Voldemort blinked. Voldemort blinked again. "Um… is that two humping aardvarks?"

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Voldemort slumped to the ground, dead. "Yes." Harry replied. He apparated away, ready to share the news of his victory with Ron and Hermione.

And the two aardvarks kept humping away.

A/N: This just hit me, on a whim. If you've ever enjoyed my crack-tastic fics, and you want to show your appreciation, just slip a cameo of two humping aardvarks into your story. Hell, convince your fellow writers to do the same. After all, 'pumpkin' pie is over used, I say it's time we H/Hr shippers rally around a new banner: two humping aardvarks.

If you ship Harry/Hermione, cut and paste this into your signature:

Somewhere in the world, two aardvarks are humping.

Let's start a new, even more inane, internet trend.


End file.
